My water broke at 1:45 am on Tuesday, January 15 – a day before my birthday, oddly enough. We had joked about her potentially sharing my birthday, but always assumed this wasn’t a possibility because it was over a month from her due date of February 22. How very “on-brand” for a baby of mine to steal the one day I love so much in such a dramatic fashion. I also realized that she would probably share a birthday with Drew Brees if all went smoothly, so basically if the Saints win a Super Bowl this year they can thank their good luck charm. Just let me know who in the organization should receive her ring size.

When I say my water broke, I don’t mean it was a casual “maybe it did/maybe it didn’t” situation – it was a full blown water breaking situation. I’ve never felt as lost as an adult human being as I did in the minutes following that. I just kept saying, “What should I do? Should I get dressed? Should I call the hospital? Oh god, I’m leaking.” Kevin mostly sat at the end of the bed looking incredibly confused and still half asleep. We decided yes on clothes and calling the hospital. They told me to come directly to their Assessment Center.

Once we arrived at Woman’s Hospital, they decided since I was 34 weeks and 4 days, to progress my labor. We were taken to a labor and delivery room and I was checked in at 1 cm dilated (you need to get to 10 to deliver the baby). They started me on Pitocin, a natural hormone that helps your uterus contract during labor, to speed up the process. My contractions became very uncomfortable very quickly, so I was given Staydol, which is used to treat moderate to severe pain during early labor if childbirth is expected to be more than 4 hours away. It offered me less relief than it did make me feel like I’d had a few too many margaritas. We decided pretty quickly that it was time for an epidural. To be honest, I was feeling pretty down about having to get it so early because my plan had been to try and hold off as long as possible. They checked me again post-epidural and I came in at 5-6 cm dilated. This made me feel MUCH better and way less wimpy about how quickly I’d gotten the drugs. Not long after, I started feeling a bit of pressure and so they checked me again and I was at a full 10 cm. It took me about 4 hours, once they started me on the Pitocin to reach 10 cm. They were hoping that I’d deliver early afternoon but I was wheeled down to the OR at around 11:15 am.

During the process of checking me and administering my drugs, my doctor came in and talked to me about what would happen since Estelle was early. It would be necessary for me to deliver in an operating room, instead of my labor and delivery room, so that the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) doctors could be on hand and ready in case they needed to intervene quickly post-delivery. This is when I found out that Estelle would definitely be staying at the hospital in the NICU after I was discharged. That moment was probably the single hardest moment of my entire life. I felt so much failure that it’s hard to put into words. Until that point, everything had been happening so quickly that I hadn’t stopped to consider what this all meant for my baby. I felt absolute sadness about not being able to immediately be with my baby and have her with me in my room post-birth, guilt thinking about what I had done to cause my body to go into labor too early, helplessness that I couldn’t change anything about the situation no matter how bad it was, distress because I could see the distress in Kevin’s eyes and I didn’t know how to make it better, and pain like I’d never felt before because of my quickening contractions…I felt broken.

Soon after all of this, my parents and Kevin’s parents arrived. Once the epidural kicked in and I wasn’t in as much pain, along with the added comfort of our families, I began to calm down. I realized that no matter how I felt about the situation, it was the one we were in and there was nothing to do but move forward. So we did. We also realized I didn’t have any “stuff.” Coincidentally, the day before I had started packing my hospital bag and I realized all I had to put in it were underwear and socks. I ordered the rest of the items I might need and felt accomplished that I would be prepared in plenty of time. This obviously was not the case. We tried to send our parents out to collect all the things I might need…pajamas, hair brush, basically everything, but they didn’t want to miss anything, so they stuck around. Good thing, because I left shortly for the operating room.

Kevin and I were taken to a delivery room and all the nurses got me ready for pushing. I was shaking so badly, but Kevin sat by me and kept telling me everything was going to be alright. This may seem like standard husband stuff to you, but the thing is that Kevin is absolutely terrified of hospital stuff. He doesn’t like blood or needles or any single thing associated with an operating room. There had even been (joking) talk months earlier of him not even being in the room for fear of passing out. But he kept looking at me and telling me everything was going to be ok and that he loved me. He took charge in those moments leading up to Estelle’s birth in a way that I can’t thank him enough for – not even if I thanked him every day of my whole life.

It only took about 7 pushes before our beautiful baby girl came into the world.I remember the very first thing I felt when I saw Estelle was hope. She was much bigger than I expected her to be at 34 weeks, coming in at 4 lbs 10 oz and 18 inches long. I had no point of reference, but everyone had prepared me for the worst. I remember looking at Kevin and he was crying and I was crying and she was crying. We are nothing if not dramatic. They laid her on my chest and I was able to see her for a minute or two while Kevin cut her cord (another thing he had always said he couldn’t do, but I watched in amazement as he didn’t skip a beat when they asked if he wanted to do it). She was perfect and also had sort of old man emoji hair, which I love. She was then swept away into another room by the NICU team.

It took her about 5 minutes to really start breathing well, which I wasn’t told until later – thank God. Kevin was able to leave my side and be with her as they checked all of her vitals and gave her a health score. Once she was stable, they wheeled me in and let me hold her for a few minutes, which was magical. My doctor had told me during our talk earlier that it may not be an option for me to see her right after I delivered, since they had no idea what condition she’d be in.

Being able to hold her at all was a tiny miracle. Everything about her made me want to split in half in the best possible way. People talk about falling in love with their babies at first sight and some people say it doesn’t happen until later. Both of these things make sense to me, as humans are incredibly complicated especially when it comes to emotions. However, I can say that with everything going on and the impending doom of all the small things that could have gone wrong with my baby, all I felt was pure love and relief.

She is my single greatest accomplishment.